Not Suffering, I Swear

I’ve been told time and time again that I suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome. I was told for a long time that I suffered from Depression. I’ve had doctors tell me I suffer from several things from asthma to a bad rash. But suffering is a bad word to use. I nearly always say “But I’m not, not really.” The tricking thing is getting across to people what I see the difference being, it doesn’t really happen unless I tell you about when I really suffered from depression.

It was about 7 or 8 years ago now, which is quite a bit longer than I thought, however I was in third year of secondary school, so it makes sense. During that time I had one thought on my mind “This is pointless”. It was a thought that hounded me day and night. It was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. Because what was the point, the Universe is huge and everything in the end will be as dust, so what we do doesn’t matter. Then if it doesn’t matter why am I doing it. It doesn’t matter if I go to school, this game doesn’t matter, talking to people doesn’t matter, feeling good doesn’t matter and I don’t matter.

It was a horrible self destructive way of thinking, but I couldn’t stop it. There was an evil voice in my head telling me this, telling me my friends weren’t really my friends, that no one really liked me… and I listened. It was truly the worst time in my life. How I got over it is a story of useless counsellors and trying to trick them into thinking I was happy, until one day I was. I’ll probably go into more detail on this later.

But here is the thing, I still have depression, I’m just not depressed. Wow that’s a lot more confusing than I thought, but I guess it’s the whole topic in a line. I still have a niggly little voice in the back of my head telling me I don’t matter, my friends don’t like me, in the end it’s not worth it all and I will amount to nothing. But I don’t let it get to me, most of the time, when it does get to me I have friends that I fall back on. People I can call and talk to, people who I can trust. That is the difference, when I suffered from depression there was no helping me, it was all I thought about and all that I was. I couldn’t cope with it, I couldn’t handle it. So I suffered.

So I don’t suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome. Yeah it makes things harder sometimes but it’s a part of who I am, slowly I learn how I think differently to other people and try and not make the same mistakes. Yes sometimes it’s hard to do, but I don’t suffer from it. Just as I no longer suffer from depression. As for the asthma, so long as I don’t get sick my lungs are strong enough to cope. I can happily stand up and say “I have depression and Asperger’s Syndrome. But I don’t suffer because of it…. most of the time”


About Snababo

What can I say? I'm 26, Irish, have Asperger's Syndrome and a lot on my mind.
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One Response to Not Suffering, I Swear

  1. That’s really positive. Thank you for sharing.
    Depression can make life so difficult, but there are ways of coping, and once you find the ways that work for you you can take back control of your life. I’m glad you’ve found those ways.

    In a way I think this ties in with your post about asking questions. Some people, when faced with depression, or Aspergers, or any other difficulty, will find themselves running up against a brick wall. Others will ask why, and how, and wonder what they can do to make things better. I think questioning is a big step towards dealing, and towards living.

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