Never Forget

There are a few things that I will never be allowed to forget. The main one that is on my mind of late is my car crash almost a year ago. Now it wasn’t the first crash I was ever in. It was however the only crash I’ve been in while driving, also it was entirely my fault. I know a lot of the time people try and shift the blame for something like that, but it’s true. I know it was my fault cause I was in a single vehicle accident.

Long story short, I woke up about 7a.m. with only 4 hours of sleep on me, I drove to work. Had a fairly tough day of it, but then afterwards went out to a birthday party. My friend was celebrating by playing Quazar. So I run around for ages being really bad at shooting people with lasers. Then we head to her boyfriends place for games and stuff. The night starts to drag on and I’m getting nervous. Cause I had half planned to stay the night, but there was a lot of people there I had never really met before and so became very uncomfortable (Asperger’s Syndrome ftw). So when two of my friends said they were leaving I offered them a lift home. Then drove back home myself. I was not five minutes away when I blacked out. I remember the entire trip, until about two minutes before the crash. I drifted off the road an into a ditch narrowly avoiding a strawberry stand and a lamppost, either of which would have probably killed me if I’d hit them.

The car was totalled, but I was relatively ok. I have several scars on my shoulder from the glass and my right ear is a bit messed up, though not quite visibly. But I will never be allowed to forget about it. Not just because every now and again my friends joke about, or because my mother won’t stop asking if I’m tired every time I’m driving later than 22:00. But because I won’t let myself forget. Because whenever I go driving, most of the time I have to pass the spot where I crashed or some mornings my shoulder hurts from sleeping on it or because sometimes I have to double check myself just to see if I am more tired than I think. At least once a week I’ll mentally smack myself over the head for being an idiot and letting my nervousness around people get the better of me.

Don’t get me wrong I still make jokes about it. I think that if you can’t laugh at something it’s already won (More on that later). It’s a weird thing, cause while I’ll never stop punishing myself about it, I’m conflicted on other people talking about it. Sometimes I don’t mind if a mate makes a joke, other times I wish that they hadn’t. In the end I know that I’ll do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Maybe it’s so I won’t have another string of “What-if” questions. What if the ambulance hadn’t been called? What if I was a half metre to the left/right? What if someone had been near the bus stop? What-if I’m not so lucky next time?

Now despite all this I still, when making arrangements to meet someone will say “See you there, unless I like crash or something”. Though sometimes it’s get sick (die is another favourite). It’s no lie that accidents happen. I know I’ve had my fair share (Though not all of them car accidents). But even though I will never stop hitting myself over the head for being an idiot, you have to learn to live with your mistakes, to be able to laugh at them and yourself. Cause lets face it sometimes we are eejits.

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About Snababo

What can I say? I'm 26, Irish, have Asperger's Syndrome and a lot on my mind.
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