Some of you may have noticed that I took a hiatus from blogging. It wasn’t even a very big hiatus, just a couple of weeks. I wish I could say that it was for a very good reason. But the truth is that I don’t even know if there was a real reason. Just a pile of distractions and hard days of working. As some of you know and others may have guessed I don’t have a good sleeping pattern. In recent weeks with a heavy lifting job and the crazy warm weather we’ve been having I’ve been tired all the time. I’m half surprised my friends have heard from me at all for the last while. But I mean, that’s not the real reason. I can work around stuff like that so surely it was something else.
Part of me is worried about what I say up here and who reads it. I mean I’ve linked the account with Facebook, so people I know can see it. I don’t want to say anything that might hurt a friends feelings on here. I know of a blogger whose ex’s are followers and he mentions missing them on occasion. Now I’m not going to rag on his style, his blog is kinda inspiring and he was my first follower so couldn’t even consider saying anything negative about him (his blog http://livingwithadhd.me/). I just don’t know that I can say things online like he does. If there is a chance I will hurt someone through my actions I’d rather not do it, I know what being hurt feels like and I hate seeing people in pain or causing it.
So with that in mind I’m going to dive into a topic that I wanted to post about when it happened. Friday the 12th I was meant to be going bowling/quazar with some friends. But it was cancelled due to not having the numbers. This sucked, I was looking forward to it practically all week. I even posted about how much I wanted to go. But on the day it was cancelled I didn’t tell my parents. They knew I was going to it and I was going to be leaving a family dinner early in order to head out to it. I hate family dinners so any chance to leave early. Problem was in order to go to the bowling I had to drive past the place we were eating, so there was a good chance my family would notice if I didn’t drive past their window. So I did. After that I couldn’t drive home, so I headed towards the bowling anyway. Then there was the chance to change direction and head to a gaming shop and play games. But it had been a while since I’d had some alone walking time and I figured I’d do that instead. A hill walk that I really like is near where bowling was going to have been anyway, so I could do that.
When I arrived for the walk I panicked, hell I was kinda panicking in the car on the way up there. I didn’t know where to park to do the walk from this end. I didn’t want to ask for directions cause that’s just not what I do. So what did I do? I turned around and headed home. I didn’t go home of course cause that would mean facing my parents and telling them what happened, instead I ended up at the gaming store. There I got a chance to talk to a friend about everything that’d going on and get a load off my chest.
Going back to what I said earlier. I know my dad has read some of this blog, an old teacher of mine pointed him at it. So I don’t know how he will feel if he reads this post. I don’t know if he will read this post. But I froze up before because I didn’t want him to read it. I didn’t want to post it in case he did read it. The same thing happens with all the people I know that follow it. I can’t mention the fact that I’m worried about a friends reaction during a recent conversation cause what if they read it and feel hurt by what I say? There is no way in hell I’m going to mention the massive crush I have on a friend they might work it out and I have no idea how they will react. Even though it’s on my mind should I mention some of the troubles my friends are having and how I’m constantly trying to think of solutions to their problems, just in case?
While I was thinking all this I had also been paying close attention to the stats on the blog. I’m a little bit of a stat head (kicktraq is like cocaine for me). When I noticed my last post didn’t get any views, in fact 13 day on it’s only gotten 1 view. So then I pondered if there was a point behind my issues. If no one reads what I post does it matter what I post? Does it matter if I post? So I stopped posting for a while. But I kept checking the stats. I didn’t get any visitors until the 19th, that 1 person read three posts, liking two of them. However in the same time I’ve had 4 people start following me. On the days they started following me no one was on my blog. So I can only assume they were following me in the hopes that I would follow them and get their stats up. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have noticed. I do enjoy blogging, but the whole thing is weird and oddly stressful when I take everything into account. Does anyone have any advice? Any words of wisdom? Or is possibly hurting a persons feelings just something I’m going to have to get over?