I’ve been meaning to post for that last while, but to be honest sometimes posting feels like hard work, especially some of the science or review posts. So considering I was planning one of them next I let it slide, started a few, but didn’t finish them. I just, I’m running out of steam. I know I probably shouldn’t complain, I know there are people with worse problems than me, but fuck it all I can’t conjure anything beyond a hollow smile.
I’ve had a lot of problems when it comes to education. I’ve never tested well; I failed every maths test I took pre leaving cert even though my maths teacher knew I was a certifiable genius at it, same for physics and damn near any other subject I had; just not English or Irish, I’m crap at languages. I shrug it off when people say I’m very clever, some would call it humble, I think it’s a self image problem, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. More recently college has been an issue, I went to college in DIT Kevin Street for a year and a half, and to tell you the truth I was not impressed. The Administration got everything backwards, most of the lecturers were either clueless are unable to teach… or both. I lasted till halfway through second year. Then I transferred to NUIM and flopped out because they had me doing first year maths again (My best subject) not going to the first lecture meant I didn’t know how the stuff worked. When I learned there was homework I panicked and couldn’t find the place to hand it in. Then I ended up flaking out because I couldn’t talk to the people in the college cause I was afraid of admitting that I screwed up and I needed their help.
So I spent a while trying to work, but with no education to speak of I mostly got jobs from people who know my father. Not that they would complain, I’ve worked a helpdeskish (I in the same department and helped them on occasion; which went surprisingly well, objective fix problem, do it by giving instructions or remote controlling, explain so a monkey could follow, rinse and repeat), I’ve done manual labour. Now I’m fresh out of work again and I am floundering. In order to work properly in something I enjoy like computers, I need a qualification, in order to get that I need money, to get money I need a job. Or if I’m out of work long enough and claiming social benefit the government will pay for my education… but I can’t claim social benefit cause my parents wages are taken into account as I’m living with them. So I need to move out to start claiming social benefits, to get an education to get a job. To move out I need to start renting, but there is nowhere left to rent anymore on any websites.
The house is currently being cleaned as we have friends coming over from Germany soon, with a baby. I’m not sure I can handle a baby right now.
Somewhere between cleaning and panicking I’ve to find the time to look into other options for me. But I just can’t, I don’t want to, I’d rather curl up on the floor and just not have to care about it all. So I end up playing video games or listening to music and not doing the stuff I should be. At about 17:00 today a friend asked how I was. I thought I was mostly ok. I really did, but about ten minutes ago the only thing that was keeping me from walking out my front door is that my brother would notice. Now I have to finish this and my brother will notice.
I had my first proper run in with hardcore drugs the other day. Stuff like E and Cocaine, I think, I know there was E anyway. Even as I turned down all the offers, I still wanted some. I’ve always been a little curious about what it’s like to be high. All alcohol does is slow my brain down and make things more difficult to do/numb. Even that takes more than it should. I just want to know what it’s like not to worry about anything. I know some of you will probably say “Well just stop then” but I can’t any less than you can stop yourself from thinking that. No matter what I do if I’m writing “What if people don’t understand what I’m saying, what if no one get’s the plot, what if I’m portraying this wrong?” Just walking around “What if I trip fall and break my neck, how long before someone realises I’m missing? If someone were to attack me right now how would I get away? What if the room suddenly sealed shut, how much oxygen would we have to survive on, who would be eaten first? What if I miss my bus home?” It would just be nice if my brain would stop once in a while.
Talking to people helps, friends in particular. Doesn’t have to be about the problems, just talking makes me feel better. But when you are up late, realise that you’ve been sending out panic messages on Facebook and no one is awake to read them…. then I panic for real.
My “I think I’m getting tired…” was interpreted literally. I only half realised I posted it. Then when I realised how bad I was I entered full panic mode. But everyone I can talk to is asleep and I don’t want to wake them up, especially since the last time I sent out “Oh god help” messages when two people eventually got up the crisis was mostly averted. I can’t talk to my closest confidant cause we already had a chat earlier and I hate to be a burden even though I know she wouldn’t mind. My other friends up this late haven’t had me having a full blown panic over the internet and it’s very late so I don’t want to spoil their fun. So I ended up curling up in bed wishing that someone I trust could ask me how I am so I can dump on them and get it out of my system. Even a person who recently gained my trust and I think would be good in this situation I can’t bring myself to talk to because I know he knows there is a rabbit hole, but I don’t want him to see just how deep it goes because what if he does and I freak him out?
I’m about to absolutely lose it, so I’m going to publish this now while I still have the wherewithal to do it. Then I’ll probably try and claim enough of my bed back from the cat to allow myself to curl up in a ball.
EDIT: I know some of my friends are going to read this and be like “You should have called”. If you are I know, I couldn’t seriously, stop judging me, I’m sorry.