The Truth

So it’s coming up to Christmas, the songs are on the radio, decorations are being hung up and the temperature has dropped significantly. You can feel a buzz of anticipation in the air that you don’t get anywhere else. That sound of people running around buying gifts for everyone they know; friends, family, enemies and neighbours alike. The dazzling light display while the electrical companies are threatening to strike. Coupled with the “ZING” of cash registers as businesses pull in money from people who can’t afford it. It’s a good time of year.

This isn’t going to be a rant against Christmas, if it makes people happy who am I to complain. The only thing that really annoys me is the music… over and over and over… every year… But that’s besides the point. What I really hate is the family tradition. Because for the 24th, 25th and the 26th of December I have no say in my life (Not to mention the amount of time beforehand we spend decorating the house). The 24th isn’t too bad, I’ll be honest, there is usually gift giving late at night and I guess it’s ok, I just have to be there. The 25th is the shit bit. We go to Granny (dad’s mom) and Grandma’s (Mom’s mom… yes both my grandfathers are dead). Then the ritual handing out the presents and talking to family happens. Then on the 26th we do it again going for St. Stephen’s day dinner in an Aunt’s house.

I can’t stand it. I really can’t, cause for the entirety of the 25th I’m stuck in one house or another talking to someone that I haven’t seen or talked to in at least a year, smiling and pretending to like them or are interested in their life while they hand me gifts I bought for them to give to me. It’s pointless, it’s degrading, it’s unneeded and I’d be happier not there. But still I have to talk to them, and I have to lie, cause if I told the truth they may never want to talk to me again (…. might try that this year). Cause when they come up and ask “How are you?” the truth isn’t “I’m alright, and you?”. the truth is actually “I’m shit, I hate coming here every year, I’d rather not hang out with almost everyone here and do something else and the longer I talk to you the more I feel like stabbing you repeatedly in the gut… How are you?” That’s the truth, nobody want’s the truth, people can’t handle the truth.

I don’t know if feeling that makes me a bad person. I feel bad for feeling it, but I’m in a situation that I don’t want to be in. If I had interest in the lives of my extended family I’d ask them, I show interest in the few I’ve helped with maths cause it’s nice to know that I helped them be better at something… but that’s it. At one stage there was 3 people in my extended family I like. 1 has disowned us (very long story I’m not likely to go into it but if she was every around I would actually like to talk to her again) and the other 2 reacted badly to me having to repeat exams in college going as far as insulting me to my face, saying I had to be an idiot or just plain lazy, so I actually hate their guts, which sucks cause they are the only people in my family that I can relate with on some level.

But back to the truth. A person I know on facebook posted that she was starting to answer the “How are you?” question truthfully and not with an automated response which I find is very brave. I don’t think I could do it, or if I didn’t I don’t think I’d be able to stop there. A friend of mine recently thanked me for telling him his profile picture sucked and gave him the reasons.

I would love to write more, but I’m up in 5 hours to get in early so I can work late… don’t ask. I’m sorry if this wasn’t a great post, I just had a bad day and needed to get at least some of it off my chest.

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About Snababo

What can I say? I'm 26, Irish, have Asperger's Syndrome and a lot on my mind.
This entry was posted in Inside My Head, Living My Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Truth

  1. molloybr says:

    Awful as it sounds, I’m glad singly for the reason that my extended family is dead and/or estranged. It’s otherworldly to put on happy faces around these effective strangers at funerals. Either way I feel your pain. Christmas holidays are anything but a holiday.

  2. Tree says:

    The saying “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.” is very apt here. Unfortunately Christmas is just one of those holidays where we have to see people we hate because of relation – I’m honestly the same, while I don’t really intensely dislike anybody in my immediate family there’s quite a few petty squabbles here and there. I put up with it because my Mum is a great believer in that sort of “Christmas brings people who barely know each other together!” and while I really don’t like it I do it for her sake.Luckily they’ve shaved it down to just one day a year instead of the usual five when I was younger.

    It is not make you a bad person to dislike or intensely hate the dicks/unrelatable people in your immediate family honestly. I think that’s the sentiment a lot of people have. It’s unfortunately tradition in our culture though to put up with their bullshit in the name of family sadly 😦

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