So it’s coming up to Christmas, the songs are on the radio, decorations are being hung up and the temperature has dropped significantly. You can feel a buzz of anticipation in the air that you don’t get anywhere else. That sound of people running around buying gifts for everyone they know; friends, family, enemies and neighbours alike. The dazzling light display while the electrical companies are threatening to strike. Coupled with the “ZING” of cash registers as businesses pull in money from people who can’t afford it. It’s a good time of year.
This isn’t going to be a rant against Christmas, if it makes people happy who am I to complain. The only thing that really annoys me is the music… over and over and over… every year… But that’s besides the point. What I really hate is the family tradition. Because for the 24th, 25th and the 26th of December I have no say in my life (Not to mention the amount of time beforehand we spend decorating the house). The 24th isn’t too bad, I’ll be honest, there is usually gift giving late at night and I guess it’s ok, I just have to be there. The 25th is the shit bit. We go to Granny (dad’s mom) and Grandma’s (Mom’s mom… yes both my grandfathers are dead). Then the ritual handing out the presents and talking to family happens. Then on the 26th we do it again going for St. Stephen’s day dinner in an Aunt’s house.
I can’t stand it. I really can’t, cause for the entirety of the 25th I’m stuck in one house or another talking to someone that I haven’t seen or talked to in at least a year, smiling and pretending to like them or are interested in their life while they hand me gifts I bought for them to give to me. It’s pointless, it’s degrading, it’s unneeded and I’d be happier not there. But still I have to talk to them, and I have to lie, cause if I told the truth they may never want to talk to me again (…. might try that this year). Cause when they come up and ask “How are you?” the truth isn’t “I’m alright, and you?”. the truth is actually “I’m shit, I hate coming here every year, I’d rather not hang out with almost everyone here and do something else and the longer I talk to you the more I feel like stabbing you repeatedly in the gut… How are you?” That’s the truth, nobody want’s the truth, people can’t handle the truth.
I don’t know if feeling that makes me a bad person. I feel bad for feeling it, but I’m in a situation that I don’t want to be in. If I had interest in the lives of my extended family I’d ask them, I show interest in the few I’ve helped with maths cause it’s nice to know that I helped them be better at something… but that’s it. At one stage there was 3 people in my extended family I like. 1 has disowned us (very long story I’m not likely to go into it but if she was every around I would actually like to talk to her again) and the other 2 reacted badly to me having to repeat exams in college going as far as insulting me to my face, saying I had to be an idiot or just plain lazy, so I actually hate their guts, which sucks cause they are the only people in my family that I can relate with on some level.
But back to the truth. A person I know on facebook posted that she was starting to answer the “How are you?” question truthfully and not with an automated response which I find is very brave. I don’t think I could do it, or if I didn’t I don’t think I’d be able to stop there. A friend of mine recently thanked me for telling him his profile picture sucked and gave him the reasons.
I would love to write more, but I’m up in 5 hours to get in early so I can work late… don’t ask. I’m sorry if this wasn’t a great post, I just had a bad day and needed to get at least some of it off my chest.