I know some of my friends are going to be upset by this post. Mostly because I didn’t turn to any of them, or even tell them that something was really wrong.
The truth is I’ve been entertaining thoughts that I shouldn’t be. Not suicidal thoughts, those haven’t really been an issue for some time, though they do still niggle at me from time to time. The main thought I’ve been entertaining is a shut down. Just turn the emotions all off and ignore them. I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s gotten me in trouble in the past, but it’s so tempting.
I haven’t exactly been in the best of places lately. I’ve got a job that could end in a few months, after which I have nothing to fall back on, no qualifications, nothing. If I’m out of work I’m living back home, which I don’t want. Living back home drives me crazy. But I can’t afford to live out of home because social welfare won’t cover any of my basic living expenses. I can’t afford an education cause… well I can’t. Also can’t get any assistance social welfare wise cause you only get it if you are on a different social welfare scheme for a certain period of time, which I can’t go on because I won’t be able to live on it and if I’m living at home I can’t get it.
So I’m in a dead end cycle when it comes to work. The book I’m writing has stalled to an absolute halt because I just don’t have the spoons for it between everything else on my mind. So I don’t make the goal I set for myself which makes me feel shit and I stop writing for more than a month, so I feel even worse.
My self confidence is shot.
There is a girl I like who is awesome in so many ways, but I’m so confused trying to wrap my head around basic social concepts like “What is a date?” that I end up just panicking and falling over myself.
I can’t think straight for more than twenty minutes, I’m getting angry all the time and annoyed at such simple things. I’m getting more and more concious of people talking to me and feel so stupid when I don’t know what’s going on, which seems to be all the time of late.
I feel like I’ve lost the ability to talk to some of my closest friends and my head is just this jumbled mess the is caving in on itself.
I’m tired, alone, worried, angry, deflated and I just want to turn it all off